Grey is not my favourite colour...

50 Shades of Grey has become an international phenomenon. For those of you who have been living on a different planet, it follows the relationship of about-to-graduate college student Anastacia "call me Ana" and Christian Grey, a billionaire who she meets when she interviews for the college magazine.

An inexperienced, shy virgin, Ana is overwhelmed by his intense wooing of her, laced from their first meeting with sexual tension and innuendo.

In graphic (bordering pornographic) detail, the book traces our protagonist's first ever relationship, featuring from an unfeasibly early stage, his "red room of pain and pleasure" in which Christian, as a Dominant, wishes to spend much of his time with Ana.

Shock, horror! Our gauche young college student realises she has a taste for her controlling and emotionally distant lover and, unlikely as it seems, he feels the same and they fall in love. The book follows their struggle to identify compatability: Ana wants more of a traditional relationship with Grey, while he wants to dictate all aspects of their relationship and expects complete obedience. Both of them make compromises, but is it enough? Can they work out their differences? At the end of the book, which is dominated by explicit descriptions of their sex life, Ana breaks it off with Christian, believing they cannot fully satisfy each others' needs. Cue the next book in the trilogy...

So did I enjoy 50 Shades of Grey? Well, yes, I have to admit I did,. Did I find it compelling, believable and worthy of the hype it has generated? No way.

I have several issues with this book.

Use of sterotypes

Why does it have to be the man who is the dominant one? Why oh why can we not see a woman take charge and set the tone? Did the author really need to pander to pornographic references "ooh the innocent school girl" and "ooh the naughty older man". Oh please. This is the 21st century. I found this quite cringe-worthy. And before you retort "But Christian had a relationship with an older woman before he met Ana" - I know this. But let me point out that she is repeatedly referred to as a paedophile and an abuser, with fairly weak denials. Double standards? Not so enlightened.

Unbelieveable

Aside from the unlikeliness of Christian Grey and Ana ever meeting in the first place, would a billionaire playboy really be that interested in Ana? Yes she bites her lip, which he apparently finds irrestible, but I just didn't see enough in her to warrant his stalker-like focus on her. What does she bring to the table, really? She isn't the worldly, submissive he desires. Would he want to spend so much time on her "training"? And would he really present her with a legal contract and and NDA? How disappointingly modern.

Lack of originality

The Secretary anyone? How about 9 1/2 Weeks? Or innumerable Black Lace books? The only original thing this book has done - as far as I'm aware - is to successfully cross-over from the 18+, soft porn category into the mainstream, making BDSM more accessible to everyone. And I'm not sure that's such a good thing. Would you want your 13-year-old daughter to read this book? 

Dominant vs. Sadist

Despite Christian Grey's insistence that he is a dominant, not a sadist, I couldn't really tell the difference. He gets off on doling out pain as well as dominating, so surely he's both? The issue is raether that Ana is neither submissive nor a masochist. 

Character likeability

Be honest. Did you really warm to either Christian or Ana? Christian, our "hero" is a billionaire playboy who admits to having paid for sex in the past, continually and patronisingly calls her "baby" and flaunts his wealth as much as possible. The half-hearted attempts to make him vulnerable are too obtuse for me. Ana is inconstant - sometimes pathetic, sometimes bolshy, always over-analytical and dull. Think about it: outside of her relationship of Christian, what is interesting about her?

In summary, to my mind, this book panders to the female fantasy - a complicated, wealthy man who cares about you and is willing to change to please you. In reality, you would drive each other mad, irritate each other no end and realise pretty quickly that you are incompatible sexually, emotionally, financially and with regard to background, ambition, future plans - basically in every way.

But this is a book designed to titillate. It does that. And perhaps that's enough.